Letting go of the fantasy that your mother will change.

Healing the Mother wound. Part 1

"Please, Mom, love me. I will abandon my needs and do whatever it takes to be seen and loved by you." This is pretty much how I lived my life until I was 34.

It's natural to want a relationship with our mothers. The mother-daughter bond has been portrayed in endless movies, stories, songs, and books as a magical bond that cannot be broken. This woman will shower you with unconditional love for just being and support you in all your endeavors.

But what if you didn't have that kind of relationship with your mom?

You might spend your adult life wishing you had the mom you needed or wanted and hold resentment, anger, and pain because she wasn't that for you. And you possibly thought that she could finally change for you. So you hold on to this wish and carry that energy with you every time you see her, thinking she might finally "get it" and change.

A common fantasy among women of emotionally unavailable mothers is that their mother will have a change of heart and finally show them the love they need and deserve. In adulthood, these women, through their own healing journeys, have learned various healthy communication skills and think they might finally have the techniques necessary to draw in a rewarding interaction.

Stop fooling yourself; this will likely not happen.

Holding on to this wish of thinking she's going to change and that you will finally have that relationship you've always wanted with her is destroying the actual relationship you could have. If you even want one, that is. By accepting her as she is and not expecting her to change, you will free yourself of frustration, anguish, anger, and resentment. Accept your mom for who she is now, not for the mom you wish to have had. By doing this she might respond to you as she would any other adult, with more courtesy.

You can interact with your mom in new ways when you accept her as she is; that might shake up old patterns. By taking it one interrelation at a time and keep the focus on the outcome you're seeking rather than setting yourself up for an unrealistic emotional connection.

If you can truly let go of the need for a deep relationship with your mom, detach yourself emotionally, and interact without expectations, you'll be less likely to trigger yourself and her. When she is no longer under pressure to change, she might treat you differently or not. Your job is to be okay either way.