My mother the narcissistic

Oh, Mom, it was always about you. I believed that if I did my best to try to please you, you would give me the love I craved. But It never worked. I was never good enough for you. I spent most of the time wondering if you even liked me. I was never able to make you happy. When I saw you, you would say one nice thing to me, then say ten things to criticize me. I felt like I was constantly disappointing you. You would give me praise when I made you look good, but you made me feel shameful, disgusting, and worthless if I made you look bad. You were always the victim; you needed everyone's attention. I always felt inadequate around you. You used aches and pains and complained about how Dad treated you to ensure the focus was on you. You lacked empathy and never cared about how I felt. When I broke off my engagement when I was 19 to a guy ten years older than me, the first thing you said was, "What are people going to say." And when I went through the most challenging time in my life, my divorced and getting shunned by the Jehovah's Witnesses when I was 32, it was about how this will affect you and how it would make you look to others. You made me promise I was going to come back to the religion, so I tried for two years. But it was only for you. Then one day, I decided I needed to find my own voice, and I separated myself from you.

A painful legacy of distorted love was passed on from one generation to another, and it ended with me.

My mom has not spoken to me in 11 1/2 years due to the shunning of the Jehovah's Witnesses, and it's been for the best. I've pulled myself apart from her enslavement and found my authentic self apart from her. I have gone on such a deep journey into my Mother's world. I needed to understand her to work through my guilt, pain, and anger toward her.

She married my dad at 14, and at the same time, her mother-in-law, my grandma, and my dad's 5-year-old niece, who my dad adopted, due to her Mother dying of breast cancer, moved in with her.

I have deep compassion for my Mom.

In the following post, I will share more about my journey to heal this deep wound.

#happymothersday #exjw #chaldean #vulnerablepost #iloveyoumom