My abandonment womb- Part 1

Many people feel guilty when choosing themselves. So they say yes when they really want to say no. They put their need aside while trying to make others happy. With the belief that; if I say no to this person, if I speak my needs, they will no longer care for me, and a core belief that; if I say no, especially to those closest to me, if I stop trying to make them happy, they will abandon me, and I will be left alone.

The abandonment womb.

I had this belief growing up. I believed it was my responsibility to make my mom happy. I felt she deserved to have one good, well-behaved daughter to follow in her footsteps. She had a hard life, and I thought she would love me if I did everything she wanted.

I grew up feeling very alone and disconnected from my family. My father worked for what felt like 100 hours a week, and my mother, although physically around, was never emotionally around. I spent my childhood at friends' houses, playing outside, or doing some arts and crafts by myself.

She became a Jehovah's Witness when I was 6. My two older sisters didn't join the religion, and I saw how disappointed that made my mom. I felt it was my responsibilty to be by her side since they weren't.  I felt if I joined, she would finally love me. I got baptized into the religion when I was 16. It was a big deal for me, and I remember feeling joyous cause I knew this made my mom proud. But this feeling didn't last long. She continuously told me I needed to be more active in the religion. I needed to comment more at the meetings; I needed to spend more time in the door-to-door work. I shouldn't hang out with that person, but I should hang out with this person. It was never-ending.

Whatever I did, I never made her happy. There was always something I was doing wrong.

I married someone in the religion when I was 24, and when I was 32, I got divorced. With the divorce came what the Jehovah's Witnesses call Disfellowshipping. They excommunicated me. I lost my entire community, literally overnight. One second I was part of this international "brotherhood," and then I wasn't. When I was shunned, I felt like I was spoiled meat that they threw out.

My abandonment wombs ran deep. They were twofold. I felt abandoned by my parents when I was a child; then, I was abandoned by the only community I ever knew, the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I tried unsuccessfully to get back into the religion for two years. When I asked myself why I was trying so hard to get back in, my response was that my mom made me promise I would come back, and I missed all of my old friends and the community.

After two years, I decided for the first time that I was done being a people pleaser. I deserved to be happy on my terms. I wanted to create a life that I was proud of. I didn't need the approval of my mom, or anyone else for that matter.

I was building a great life on my own, but I had so many walls. I had this belief, this deep fear, that if I let anyone in, they would eventually abandon me. Or if things were going "good," I could get it all taken away from me.

When I met my second husband, Ben, I pushed him away. It wasn't until he said, I just want to love you. Why are you making it so difficult? Had I realized how deep this core abandonment womb was.

I've been on this journey of healing and self-discovery for nine years. I believe that working on myself is a never-ending project filled with self-acceptance and self-compassion.

In the next blog post, I will share my journey of healing my abandonment wound and offer guidance to help you heal yours.