"I feel guilty talking negatively about mom".

"I just wish things were different between me and my mom. I wish I could talk to her; she would listen to me. I wish she would really see me. I can't even imagine what that would feel like! Ugh, I hate feeling this way! I feel so guilty for complaining about her. I feel guilty about feeling so disappointed with our relationship. I mean, she tries her best. Why do I still feel so sad and angry?"

Is this you?

In today's culture, the mother-daughter relationship is romanticized. You might have subconsciously learned from culture, religion, or society that speaking about your parents in anything less than positive ways is wrong.

Good girls are not supposed to say anything negative or complain about their moms; when they do, they feel guilty. So you justify your mom's behavior by saying things like; She did her best. She loves me in her own way.

It's natural to want an emotionally available mother who loves you unconditionally. But denying your true feelings about her and wishing things were different is causing you more harm than good.

You struggle with things you "should" be grateful for, alongside the pain and anger you hold in your heart towards her.

What would it feel like to give yourself permission and space to share your experiences and memories and feel your feelings about your mother without an added layer of judgment and guilt?

When we can hold both of these realities together – the mother who was good enough and the mother who often failed you – we arrive at a more neutral view of your mother.

The ability to hold your mother's positive and negative aspects is healthy and positive. Doing this allows you to have your feelings if you've resisted acknowledging the painful memories and experiences.

When you acknowledge that even though you love her, she has and still is causing you pain, it opens up the possibility for you to feel more fully, to make more sense of your experiences, to seek out the right support, and to decide more clearly what, if anything, you may need or want to do in that relationship.

If it doesn't feel healthy and supportive for you to be in contact with her, please don't. Do yourself a favor, and don't feel guilty about how you feel. Acknowledge your true feelings about this.

My next post will be about acceptance.